So I am positive
I am awesome
I am all that beautiful in my mind
And I am.
I know this because
The things I have gone through
The things people have put me through
The things that I have put myself in
The grinds that I was placed in
The hate that I experienced from others
The hate that I felt for myself
The brain damage traumas that I was put through
The little tiny brain processing power that I am left with
And daily I use it so exhaustingly
No one can and will ever realize
How challenging each day is for me
No one especially the closest ones
So called and so they claim
Because with my tiny leftover untraumatic mind
The so called lovers and carers of my well being are simply not present
Because they think my tiny left over mind processing is my whole brain. And I am doing it to myself . Pretending or acting but this is how multiple PSTDs work.
Clearly, I have spelled out for them so clearly. Instructionally.
A How to manual of me handed to them.
But Like any other manual
I am set aside by these lovers and well wishers.
Read The Fucking Manual RTFM
Let me spell it out for you again
My traumas of life has damaged my brain processing
It is unpredictably on loadshedding
One moment it is all lit the other its dark and confused
One moment the whole body is fit strong the next the pains the tightness the numbness the tingliness takes me over
One moment I’ll be laughing at the same moment my brain is crying yelling screaming fighting with my other parts of brain to see if it will work. The brain throbs and pains. Foggiest in one eye clarity in other, and switch.
I am my miracle to keep whatever sanity I am left with. I don’t know how is till home these few marbles left.
Sitting hurts, standing hurts, lying down hurts. Working hurts, not working hurts, thinking hurt, breathing hurts, sleeping hurts, LITERALLY, not rhetorically.
In this constant chronic existence I survive. I do.
I am my own miracle.
So fuck you to judge me. Fuck you to wonder about me the laughing seemingly enjoying, present minded person. Fuck you to leave me alone because you want me to fit your expectations and when I don’t you judge me.
Fuck you all mother fuckers who used me, and mentally injured, an insolent person, who tries to survive moment by moment, and remains happy.
I remain happy and that’s the key to my survival. I am always happy. Crazy and happy.
The judging hurts. The taunts, the subtle statements hurts like hell. The silence, the neglect, the eye rolls, the ignore, the avoidance, the calling out it all seems knives to me. On top of all the knives I feel in my body soul and mind.
So fuck you so called family who did all but love me
Fuck you judging neigbours
Racist, discriminating teachers,
so called friends to inject hate.
Fuck you construction workers, mechanics who stole my origanl parts on the car and took my money and didn’t even fix the car, fuck you doctors who think they can see anyone 15min to hour late because they can, with your fucking egos experience think it’s your divine duties to fuck others because you can.
Fuck you all to judge everyone who is even close to what I fell.
I try to be there for me as much with my .000001% mind and brain.
I welcome you, with love, in that left over mind unconditionally. But you all come to use and abuse and leave.
So fuck you all.
I cannot be there for myself. Yes i have excellent appearance and a mouth loud enough to rattle your existence. But I don’t have my mind. It’s truly damaged.
If I can’t be present for myself mentally who else can be there for me.
No one
I am deemed impossible, empty vessel, and unworthy by you all Fuckers.
Life 