And I say i am awesome
And I say I am worthy
And I say I am loving.
But inspite of how much I fool myself
There is no purpose in my life
And that made me bad, a really bad person
People focus on purposeful interactions
Meaningless is just that, meaningless
So when someone is showing kindness to you
Very well know they want something from you
I didn’t say beware
I said simply know that everyone
Around me is talking to me purposefully
Small big long term short term
They need something from me
For that they will be patient, calm, and will put up with me.
For whatever they think i am useful for they will hover around me flatter me, pretend to like me, pretend to pay attention to everything I do.
I give it to them and then when the need is fulfilled
They leave till they need it again
No care of my well being or anything
Time, money, suggestions, emotional dumping, ranting, whatever it was, their politeness kindness towards me has always always been for some purpose or the other.
And then there are those the moment I stop they stop. Living giving paying attention participating. When I come back they start again.
I mean really what the fuck.
Since I never had a purpose, I never thought kindness needed to be for a reason to get out of something from someone.
My little comprehension was just that. So I get upset and angry at the person who will finally show the purpose, deem me a fool stupid, and idiot and then coldly walk away after getting what they wanted.
I felt hurt. And abused, and used. But then i realized everyone around me is like that. Even me.
Just today I realized that. And I stopped fooling myself that someone, Would like me for me as a whole. There is no such thing.
They only call me awesome and amazing till they need what they want. There is a deadline for the flaterrers.
I never did that. I never knew I have to do this. All my wondering became laughter, and I am like why am I so stupid and purposeless?
Guess what I am still awesome. or am I? Undoubtedly says my heart mind and soul. I am born this way.
Life 