I begin everything with my Truest Intentions

Hi# 42:

DISABLING ACTIONS

Milestone 4

Journey

Why am I here?
I asked myself?
My Choices,
My Universe,
My Trust,
My Uniqueness,
Disappeared

Why am I here?
I asked again.
I saw my answer
In myself.
Relationships gone,
Frustrations heightened,
despair immense,
Depression,
Uncontrollable

Does not matter where I was before.
Now?
Tell me O Lord of My Universe,
Where Am I now?
Reminders of denials
“I had no choice.”
Reminders of Denials
“Why couldn’t he/she do this?
I would have been there instead of where I am at now.”
Giving my Lordship completely to my guests of My Universe,
Because I didn’t have any choice?

Truly I knew within me
What I was DOING.
I was disabling myself
I knew it in my heart
I knew it every hour
What I DID.
This DOING of myself
I call it now
DISABLING ACTIONS
It is only I
Who did this to ME.

Yes, Of course
I was so happy inviting your world
And Yours and Yours
and Yours too, and so many others like You.
Giving each one the authority
To Control My Universe.

Knowingly, I agree only when I am alone
That Only I could have taken My Universe
To The extent I wanted to.

Now, I can blame
Easily others
For The Choices
I made
For the Actions I took

That Disabled me
But only in dark deep corners of my heart and mind

Where even my soul is not allowed to get me out from

I don’t want to acknowledge My Lordship of My Universe
I still want to blame You
This is what YOU have made me
The Action of NOT CHOOSING is bogus
The DISABLING ACTION is not My Fault
I did what I had to do. DENY

But listen “Don’t tell me all this
I have my own Universe to run and worlds to invite”
With this he left. Him too, and her too.
They all left.
I was all alone thinking all this.

I forgot this Journey was mine
I forgot this path is my choice
They were simply there on my invitation.
They are still there because I never let them go
Wanting them to run My Universe
When They all have their own universes to look after

Today, I acknowledge these are my Disabling Actions
When I shattered the Mirror
Today, I know not choosing was my choice
What changed? You may ask.
Nothing, I just got tired of myself
I got tired of my own disabling actions

Now, I am acting to implement
Eradicate my DISABLING ACTIONS
Those actions that I chose not to choose
Because Tinker Bell’s magical wand
That other carry will run My Universe

I was disappointed
And ultimately had to
Stop my Disabling Action

Each one of my invitee brought
Amazing grace.
Each one I violated and manipulated to run my universe
By insisting, imposing, smooching, overpowering,
yelling, screaming, giving silent treatments, avoiding, neglecting, getting angry,
being obnoxious, Just so they can run MY Universe as me.

Yes I used all these methods of DISABLING ACTIONS
To franchise my own thirst of
NOT Ruling my Own Universe
Thinking they will heal me,
They will make me better
They will love me
They will protect me

But I always knew deep down
And on the surface
Whose Universe it is
I just made sure I kept it Disabled